Monsters

I really hate my self rn. Awake in midnight or early morning with randoms thought. Mostly about my job which is I'm not enjoying it. I dont know if im just overract or the job is too hard for me.
There's a morning when I came to office and saw empty room. I was thinking what im doing here but I couldn't do anything beside sit down and turned on the computer.

Im thinking abt leaving my job but its really hard to saying it. I felt unprofesional worker but the other side i hate being worker. I dont know why I complain it again since its almost five years since I started but I dont know how to explain it. Its just too hard for me to become normal person who works 8 hours a day.

Why I couldn't be normal like other? Working like it doesnt matter.
Why I'm being a worker without soul?

My mom said it a common thing being worker like the others. She must desperate thinking her daugher doesn't like the others. I felt sorry towards her but I couldn't help it. I'm just hating my self so much for being too emotional abt things.

I hate the monsters inside me who always seeking purpose of thing I do. The monsters are living in my head and slowly swallowing me alive and the feeling that I never good enough to do a thing hit me hard. I find I dont have anything which I'm good at. I'm so ashamed of my self. I felt like someone who talking too much shit without execution and making excuse for everything when life's being cruel to me.